truth is...

would i lie to you? i'd sure damn like to... over... and over... and over... truth is i've lost most of what kept me going... the drive is there, i can see it, but i can trigger it anymore for some reason. it's one of those times again where i need out, an exit, a way... a new way. i guess i'll just have to endure these times like all others: by myself. easy for me to say, it's all i know after all. truth is it does get to me this feeling. i say it doesn't, but someone's gotta fool me. so naive, insecure, driven, childish. i believe when i first said i could act and people said i couldn't i decided to put up my biggest act. funny how everyone believes it to be my true self, i've heard people say "there's no pain for a 100 years nor man who could stand it" and "can't keep a lie forever", still i've found a way to live against all odds by drowning in my own happy expressions and painful manners, dysfunctional feelings and fake intentions. i have been living the lie that everything's fine for so many years... ... ... living the lie that i'm somehow someone else. i killed me to make me and found me as poisonous. truth is there's an internal chaos that has given birth to this balanced skin i wear everyday. intentionally hateful so to be loving, unsure about his own self just cuz he can't decide which one to be. i find myself quite pathetic. i know this for a fact and still i find myself feeding with all this bullshit and believing it. the fucked part is that like i said before, i'm gonna endure this alone, like past times and experiences. i remember when [...unimportant information] and then that was it; enduring again. cuz it's always that... tonight i feel like more... that's what it is.... mental aid against the nervous brake down... it's just what i needed... more lies...
good night...